Issue #159: How to Survive Even the Worst Breakup (I'd Consider Myself an Expert)

Tips and a playlist for getting through.

I’m currently in the midst of an international adventure, so I’m featuring guest recommenders each week while I travel. The first two recs this week come from

Alisha Ramos

of

Downtime

an addictive Substack that features links galore and interviews with authors (here’s mine)!

📚 The Perfect Couple by Elin Hilderbrand: I can't put down The Perfect Couple by Elin Hilderbrand, a gripping murder mystery set against the backdrop of a lavish Nantucket wedding. The plot takes a chilling turn when the maid of honor is found floating on the beach the morning of the ceremony. Every few pages, my suspicions shift as I uncover more about the affluent Winbury family and the bride’s own mysterious background. What I love most are the quirky details: the groom’s mother, a once-famous murder mystery writer herself, and the bride, Celeste, who works at the Bronx Zoo and stands out as a charming oddball. Her sudden stutter over the wedding weekend adds an intriguing layer of tension. I’m also captivated by the complex relationship between the groom’s parents, Greer and Tag—a fabulously wealthy couple whose seemingly perfect marriage might be unraveling. This book is the epitome of a fast-paced, transportive, end-of-summer read, perfect for anyone who loves a bit of suspense and a lot of intrigue. - Alisha (Note: I downloaded this as soon as I read Alisha’s recommendation and devoured it on a single flight, from SFO to SIN. Can’t wait for the Netflix adaptation, out this week!)

🍝 Lemony Orzo with Asparagus: I've raved about this recipe more than a few times—whether in my newsletter or in group chats! It’s the perfect "I can't be bothered to cook right now" summer dish. What makes it stand out is the crispy, crunchy, garlicky breadcrumb topping, which adds just the right amount of oomph to elevate it from simple to special. Best of all, it only takes about 15 minutes to prep. I love pairing it with salmon for an easy, yet impressive, meal. - Alisha

📚 Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors: “Look at an umbilical cord—tough, sinuous, unlovely, yet essential—and compare it to a friendship bracelet of brightly woven thread,” begins Mellors’ novel. The prologue introduces the Blue sisters—there’s Avery, who’s in apparently stable recovery from heroin addiction, Bonnie, a boxer-turned-bouncer, Lucky, the gorgeous, but lost, youngest sister, and Nicky, who died at 27. I can’t remember the last time I highlighted so many passages in a book, marking both wise observations (“All the sex and booze and coke and shit[…] It’s people who have fallen out of love with life trying to get back to how they used to feel, you know?”) and beautiful passages (“They read voraciously, trading heat-curled paperbacks, bickering lightly over who got what next, who had dampened the pages beyond repair. After a little, the heat would be too much and one of them would throw down her book and slide into the water, the others following behind like a gaggle of seals slipping from a rock.”). Although I don’t have sisters, and have never experienced the death of an immediate family member, Mellors’ descriptions artfully led me to a place of at least understanding. - Leslie

If there’s a place to recover from a breakup, it’s Bali—just ask

Elizabeth Gilbert

. In my case, I had already booked the tickets to visit one of my best friends when my boyfriend and I made the decision to end our relationship, and cancel his flight to join me in Japan. It was, to both of our credit, a mature breakup. We spent days talking, listening carefully to the other as we said our peace and explored the repeated communication failures that made us both feel undervalued and unheard throughout our year together. We had actually broken up twice before and, after similar conversations, attempted another go at things. This time, we ultimately made the mutual decision to part ways for good, as people who love and admire each other, but couldn’t make it work as a romantic couple.

Still, recovering from a breakup is always difficult. There’s the messy process of reorganizing a life that once revolved around a person, and setting it on a new orbit. Just as painful is contending with the past and future; all of the memories, and all of the fantasies of a life together. When my first “real boyfriend” dumped me in college, the loss felt like a death. I had been studying French for his family and could hardly get through class without hiccuping back tears. It was all très dramatique. After a few weeks of this, I began seeing a therapist for the first time who explained that grief comes in waves—I just had to ride each out, until they became smaller and smaller. If anything, that’s the lesson I want to impart with this post: It does get better, and there are ways to make the waves more manageable. I should know.

The grief of ending my marriage two years ago nearly killed me. I really felt like I might die from sadness. For the better part of a year, I woke in the middle of every night crying like I've never cried before, my entire body convulsing in sobs. With time, it happened every other night, then every few days, until the nocturnal tears stopped completely. These days, I can think back on that relationship, holding its loss with tenderness, fondness, and sadness, while enjoying where I am now. Read on for nine (genuinely helpful) tips for surviving a split, plus the breakup playlist I’ve been building and sharing with friends since high school, and books to read after breakups, from someone who’s gone through her fair share of heartbreak: