My Friend's 'Two List' Method for Getting Over Any Breakup
Such a good tip, I needed to share it!
“I have a god tier breakup formula. It’s tried and true if you’re in the market for my ‘two lists’ tip!” My friend Danielle texted me the morning after I told her about C and my breakup. Of course I said yes, and she proceeded to text me her instructions.
After a breakup, she makes two lists:
The first list is reasons why not to get back together with this person. It can include big things (never got along with my family) and small things (hates eggs).*
A list of things you want to do, to fill that person-shaped hole in your life.
“Whenever you are thinking of getting back together you look at the first list,” she texted me, “And whenever you are sad/missing him, let yourself be sad for a few minutes, then look at the second list and get to living again!”
Apparently she’s used it for her last three breakups, and it’s spread like wildfire amongst her friends. While my own breakup is somewhere between a full break and “hard reset” limbo zone (just out here figuring it out, ha), I’ve found it incredibly helpful. Danielle sent me screenshots of her “List 2,” which she organized into categories like “Day Trips,” “Cook,” “Projects,” “Content,” and “Friend Dates.” This can help create a starting point if you’re struggling to begin. You could even break it down further: What’s one thing you can do for yourself or your body today, to provide basic care?
Here are a few things I added to my second list, and have found helpful in most challenging times, not just breakups:
Put on a good playlist and cook something without a recipe, exactly the way you want to make it, then sit and enjoy it completely.
Go to an independent bookstore (or library!) and buy or check-out a book, then go to a coffee shop and begin reading it immediately.
Research the best place to watch sunrise in your area. Pack a thermos of hot chocolate, or any warming, calming beverage, and go before work. Turn off your phone, and watch the entire thing. You could do the same thing with sunset! It hardly takes any time, but is one of the most perspective-giving activities.
Read a poem three times through. Underline a part that feels the most “true.’ (Maybe even memorize that line or stanza.)
Watch a movie you’ve always loved, and make it an event—make popcorn or bake cookies, get out your favorite blanket, curl up and enjoy.
Go for a long, slow run or walk without any time or distance goal. Sit on a bench if you see one! Sprint or skip if you want to! Let your body do its thing outside.
Do something you’ve never done, where you live. Go to a new workout class, try out a new restaurant. Talk to the people there, make new connections, let yourself see your home with new eyes. Allow yourself to be a beginner.
Spend ten minutes before hopping into work doing something indulgent—take a ten-minute yoga class, sit in the sunshine with your coffee, put on your favorite song and dance like wild to it. It’s only ten minutes, but can make all the difference.
Take your time winding down for the evening, without your phone. Put on a face mask, take a bath, roll-out tired muscles. Dedicate just a little more time to yourself and your body. Listen to it.
Thank you to Danielle for generously allowing me to share her two-list method! I met her through the Morning Person Book Club, and we became close friends when she moved to Portland. Endlessly grateful for this community and the women it brings into my life!
I created this post as a free, “bonus” Friday post, so that you can forward it to anyone in your life who’s going through a breakup or hard time.
Speaking of, Morning Person also spreads entirely by word of mouth, so it’s an enormous help any time you tell friends about this little corner of the internet! Forward it to to a friend, gift them a subscription (fun fact: a friend gifted Danielle a month, before she subscribed!), tell your favorite cousin about it over Thanksgiving, or restack this post on Substack. Thank you! xx
*These are, it should go without saying, completely made up! If anything, the opposite is true of my ex, ha. x
I’ll also add 2 lists of my own that have helped me and my friends enormously: a list of lessons learned from the relationship (can be good or bad or somewhere in between, potentially for discussion with your therapist), and all the things YOU did RIGHT in this relationship just to remind yourself why you’re an awesome partner.
After a painful breakup a year ago, I would sometimes watch this talk a few times a day or in a row. It helped me more than I could imagine. A psychologist, he also recommends making a list called "All the Reasons He Was Wrong For Me," similar to above, and that helped a LOT. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0GQSJrpVhM
It's a physical pain and withdrawal, and it does get better.